


Attention-Seeker

by reptillian_paladin



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 06:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptillian_paladin/pseuds/reptillian_paladin
Summary: Just a oneshot about Jared and Evan growing up together from Jared's perspective, and how Jared started to pull away.





	Attention-Seeker

**Author's Note:**

> i got distracted by this bc i wanted to do a sort-of character study on how jared ended up gradually pulling away from evan and all???? like i see a lot of "jared is evil and the worst friend to evan and was never nice to him" but like. judging by their interactions???? jared is an asshole yes but evan always ignores him until jared does something big to get a reaction out of him
> 
> like they have the same problem theyre both too wrapped up in their own issues and worrying about if anyone really likes them to see the other struggling
> 
> anyway here goes

Jared doesn't remember when he first met Evan, and if could, it would be moderately horrifying. Their mothers were old friends and ended up signing up for the same group for new mothers.

So yeah, they go back a while.

Evan was somewhat of a constant in Jared's life. He couldn't exactly rely on his parents to be around. Too often he'd come home with great stories and a sticker on his math quiz only to find his parents left town and hired a sitter. Never the same one, no, since Jared was four and the word "mom" slipped out when he was talking about his babysitter, they have been cycling through sitters, not letting him get attached. So Jared would hold his tongue, knowing that his stories would only get him halfhearted nods or excruciatingly fake sounds of approval from whatever bored teenage girl had to deal with him this time.

As he got older, the babysitters were replaced with just the empty house.

The only thing he could rely on was seeing Evan every day in school. By this time Jared had tried to make friends with almost every kid in the school. It always ended in him saying the wrong thing.

But not with Evan. Evan stuck around, even after Jared would make mistake after mistake with him. Jared started inviting him over his house, and for a while he'd have someone there to talk to, to play with and get all the thoughts in his head to do something other than just die.

Soon, though, Evan started trusting Jared. He'd go over his house and start talking about how he felt that his father left because of him, how his mother was struggling to make ends meet, how she wasn't even home half the time, how he messed up in front of his classmates, how he couldn't make friends, how everything went wrong. Each new problem seemed to be the end of the world, and each time Evan shared, Jared felt the opportunity of conplaining about his own problems disappear. If they were small problems, then he would look weak for making a big deal about it when Evan had worse. If it was bigger, then he didn't want to upset Evan any further.

So he kept postponing any discussions of his feelings. It wasn't long before he gave up postponing and decided he was fine with never talking about emotions with anyone.

Which ended up beingone of the catalysts of their first major fight.

Jared had found himself forgetting homework assignments left and right, making him fall behind in classes. The parents who were never there to tell about the perfect scores he would get on quizzes, who only gave a small nod and a hum at the A's on his report card, were suddenly always there to tell him how he had to stop being so lazy.

He would say his grades were fine, because he knew he could catch up again without his parents ever finding out. He would keep telling himself that this was the day he did all the work he missed.

But it never happened. It always ended in notes sent to his parents, who yelled at him for being lazy and forced him to sit and do the work. Somehow he still wouldn't get it done. Towards the end of 7th grade he wasn't allowed to go out or have any friends over. Including Evan.

In eighth grade there was a brand new start. He swore this year would be different, he'd stay on top of things. He was allowed to have Evan over again, and all was right.

Except he didn't actually do the homework.

Which left him with Evan on the bus home one day, trying not to think about the letter the teacher handed him, trying not to think about how he needed to get a parent's signature, trying not to think about how he was supposed to do well this year and he didn't, and especially trying not to think about it being his own damn fault for being so lazy. If he thought about any of that, he'd cry. That would be humiliating.

When he got home, his mind was everywhere, trying to think of a solution. But Evan had a new story for the day. Some girls or whatever were laughing at him in the halls, calling him a freak.

"So I don't- I don't even know what to do or- are you even listening, Jared?" Evan's voice shook. "Sorry, you know, I shouldn't have brought it up, I'm just being annoying, you don't really care."

And in that moment Jared snapped. "Yeah, Evan, you've got it! I don't care that some big bad hot girls hurt your feelings a little! Everything's always gotta be about you, right? You have to get upset about the smallest things, every damn day, so sorry if this has gotten a little repetitive for me! I'm sick of it, alright? Get a therapist or something if you're gonna keep crying like a baby all the time!"

Jared could have punched himself. He really did it this time. He finally said something stupid enough to make Evan leave.

"I-I'm just going to- just call my mom."

Jared stood frozen as Evan rushed by him. He tried to ignore how he could hear the sobs in the other room as Evan begged his mother to come get him.

It was lucky Heidi wasn't working. Still, there was the time spent waiting for her to get there. Evan sat sniffling on the couch, and Jared kept telling himself that he'd apologize to Evan. Any second now. Now, you have to do it now.

Much like the homework, nothing came of it. Evan's mom knocked on the door and took her son, fixing Jared with a look of disappointment that gnawed at his stomach.

He forged the signature, because he knew he'd be in enough trouble that night anyways. He didn't know that the teacher also sent an email.

So that night wasn't exactly fun. He remembered it as the night he went from being "lazy" to a "complete disgrace."

His homework didn't get much better, but his test grades carried him through. He didn't care that his parents would never let him hear the end of the C's on his report card.

He did care that Evan hadn't talked to him since that day.

And really, they successfully avoided each other until 9th grade, when they were put in a group together for a project.

Apologize to him. Say you didn't mean it, say you miss him. But Jared kept choking down the words, unable to say anything, letting the silence fill the air.

"I- uh-" Evan cleared his throat. "I did- I got a therapist." There was the ghost of a smile, as if he hadn't decided if what he said was a joke yet.

"...Oh." Out of all the things in his head, that was all Jared could come up with.

"I'm sorry. I- I guess I just- dumped a lot of stuff on you and- you didn't want to hear it and just- sorry."

Jared's mouth fell open. Why was Evan apologizing? "Why- that's not- I'm sor-" His stammering was interrupted by the teacher.

"Now for part two, you have to figure out..."

But afterwards Evan still talked to him, and Jared didn't want to bring up the argument again, because they were finally back to normal.

Well, not quite.

Evan would cut himself off before he went too far into his problems, and each time Jared would bite the inside of his cheek, angry at himself for doing this to him.

Jared, on the other hand, finally tried his hand at talking about his issues. Maybe if he started sharing he could get Evan comfortable with him again.

But he didn't get very far. "Yeah, so my parents got all mad or whatever because I'm an asshole who doesn't do their homework and they-" He looked at Evan and cut himself off. He didn't have a look of boredom, and he didn't look like he thought Jared was whiny. No, it was worse than that.

The babysitter look. Staring off into the distance, attempting an occasional nod or hum of agreement, pretending to listen but wanting nothing more than to be anywhere else.

"...Nevermind."

And Evan didn't ask Jared to continue.

Jared spent a week talking to Evan only in responses, never mentioning himself. Evan didn't comment on this.

Then he spent the next week gauging Evan's reactions when he said anything. A joke. A halfhearted laugh. A story. A nod.

Something crude, maybe an insult. Blushing, a look of utter annoyance and disgust that both twisted in Jared's gut and made him content that there was a reaction there.

But what if annoyance was the best he could get? Did Evan see hanging out with Jared as a chore? Someone he couldn't wait to get away from? Someone he tolerated?

But then why would Evan come back to him when he could have just left Jared forever?

Because Evan didn't have any friends. Evan probably tried branching out and when it didn't work he came back to plan B. He thought he couldn't do any better.

Jared disagreed. He thought Evan could make much better friends, if he just tried. Maybe Jared was the reason no one wanted to talk to Evan. Evan Hansen, best friend of Jared Kleinman, the guy who can't even do his homework and interrupts the class. It certainly wasn't an advantage.

It started with what he saw as harmless jokes. "Evan? Never heard of him." "Oh please, we hate each other." He'd look at Evan with a slight grin on his face only to find Evan looking at the ground. He should have seen that it hurt Evan, but all he saw was him wishing what Jared said was a reality.

This turned into actions. Leading Evan over to a group of kids and then vanishing. Telling Evan he wanted to work with someone else for the next group project. Letting everyone know that he had other, better friends, lessening the association between him and Evan.

As much as this was for Evan's benefit, as much as Jared told himself this was the right thing to do, it was also a test.

He had assumed that if he started pulling away Evan would tell him to stop, or at least acknowledge it happening. He imagined the scenes in his head.

"What's wrong with you?"

"You keep disappearing on me."

"I kinda wanted to work with you on this."

"I thought we were best friends."

None of that happened. And Jared had made excuses in his mind. No, Evan just had too much anxiety to question it, it wasn't that he didn't care at all.

There had to be a point where he would stop Jared. Where he would either leave or call bullshit.

So everything out of Jared's mouth became bitter, sarcastic, jokes. He needed something to happen, he needed a reaction.

Evan wouldn't do more than flash more annoyed looks, or look miserable if Jared took a joke too far. Jared scoffed when Evan would tell him about his troubles. Every day would become a game of making the right jokes, poking the right buttons to get Evan to notice him.

The summer before senior year Jared doesn't sign up to work at Ellison State Park with Evan, even though the other boy asked him to.

"Come on! It'll be- It'll be- fun, I swear. We could-"

"No thanks, think I'm going to go to a summer camp, make some _other_ friends, you know?"

Jared hoped Evan would make new friends at his job, too.

But he knew that would end in him leaving Jared alone.

He wished he knew which option he wanted.

Summer ended, Evan was back in his life, talking about breaking his arm falling out of a tree.

Evan was back in his life, asking Jared to write his name on the cast, asking for a mark of Jared's name to carry around school the next few weeks.

Jared was startled. His immediate thought was that Evan cared enough to want Jared's name on his cast.

His mind quickly came up with other excuses, though. Maybe Evan felt like he was obligated to ask. He didn't actually want that. So he challenged him.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because we're friends."

Jared apparently just couldn't be satisfied. He felt he was so close to an answer. So he prodded. Offered up a question.

"Dude, we're family friends, that's like a whole different thing and you know it. Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance."

He wanted nothing more than an answer.

"Dude, we've been friends for years."

"Very funny."

"Don't be a dick, sign the cast."

"Are you being serious?"

"I thought we were friends."

"Thank god, I'm happy we're on the same page."

"Phew. I was getting tired of pretending to enjoy dragging you along."

He'd take anything, all he wanted was an answer.

But instead of waiting for one, he walked away. Talked to the Murphy boy, saying any words that could come out of his mouth as long as it kept Evan from answering.

He really hated himself sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> i begeth ye to comment, it hęlps féed my fåmilae


End file.
